Anxiety...

Anxiety...Let's face it. If you've heard about it or even suffer from it, you know IT SUCKS! I can't remember a time that I haven't suffered from it. I have a few diagnosis'. Panic Attack Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, depression and ADHD.
Panic disorder - People with this condition have feelings of terror that strike suddenly and repeatedly with no warning. Other symptoms of a panic attack include sweating, chest pain, palpitations (unusually strong or irregular heartbeats), and a feeling of choking. It can feel like you’re having a heart attack or "going crazy."

ADHD stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, a condition with symptoms such as inattentiveness, impulsivity, and hyperactivity.

Generalized anxiety disorder - The condition has symptoms similar to panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and other types of anxiety. These symptoms include constant worry, restlessness, and trouble with concentration.

Depression - A brain disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.

No joke...I'm constantly at war with myself. It's a struggle some days to even get out of bed. The depression doesn't help at all. Some days it's only my anxiety, others it's only the depression...but mostly it's everything. Wanna know the sucky part? I have no reason to be "depressed" or "anxious"...I just am. I love my life. Well minus my "conditions"...Not everyone understands it and most days I don't even. They say I should see therapy. Honestly, I've tried it. It's not for me. Meds...god I HATED them. They made me different. I didn't feel like myself. You know how in movies they show them having the whole outer body experience whether it's from death or a dream? That was my life EVERYDAY while on meds. I have kids, I can't be playing guessing games of what meds are going to help. I have my bad day's like anyone else but I also have my okay days. I get by. This is another reason why I wanted to blog, my outlet. Whether I am only talking to myself or someone is listening it's my outlet. It sucks major ass that I fear walking out my door, the thought of it makes my heart rush like I ran a mile or 10. 

3 year's ago I was in a car accident. February 19th. My ex-husband, Bryan and I were driving back from looking at a car and we drove into snow. We were 10 minutes away from home. Just off the highway, about to pass the bank and never made it...Boom! Lost control on ice. Travis (My ex-husband was sleeping in the passenger seat) and Bryan was in his car seat. It was not even 9pm. I hit the ice and did a 180 on to the other side of the road. I was rear-ended by another driver. I got out without a scratch but not everyone did. As I called 911 I got out of the car and I ran to Bryan's side of the car....His door was crushed....where the car handle should have been was my gas tank....I had a 1999 Subaru Forester....My car was crushed....Trunk was in the back seat and my back seat was crushed into the driver side and passenger seats. I had to beg Travis to find a way for him to get out so we could get Bryan. (Travis wasn't hurt) He finally freed Bryan and he was alive. Not screaming or crying....he was in shock....We had no clue the extent of his damages until we touched his leg. His bone was bulging out....The paramedics and police finally showed up. Since Bryan is my spectrum child (Aspergers, SPD, ADHD)...also this is a typical child behavior in a situation like this. He didn't talk. Since he couldn't tell us what hurt they took precautions and life flighted him from PA to a NJ Children's Hospital. He had emergency surgery the next day for his broken femur. He had 2 rod's placed in and were removed 2 months later thankfully. But the other driver I was told broke his collarbone and had significant bruising...he later had surgery. I am so thankful no one died and our injuries weren't worse. But this doesn't help my anxiety when it comes to the car...the fear I constantly still have.

I avoid as much as possible to drive. I went nearly 2 years without driving...I drove when I HAD too...I accommodated my life around my anxiety. Going to the store? Passing my house? Can you grab me something? Grocery shopping? No problem, Shop-Rite delivers! Oh and thank you to who ever invented Amazon Prime! It wasn't until I met David I got out more. He was my distraction. 

Still til this day I avoid driving as much as I can. As I type this my heart is racing. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and you bet your bottom I'm freaking out. We have to drive an hour and it's supposed to rain. Thankfully I am NOT driving. I am better when someone else drives but even still it's not easy.

But driving isn't my only anxiety...if I could keep my babies home with me I totally would! I wish money wasn't an issue but this is life and it sucks sometimes and it is. The littlest things set me off and no clue as to why. I wake up some mornings with the feeling something is wrong most days and nothing happens and at the end of the day all I can do is laugh at myself. 

Even when I talk to people who suffer from anxiety there are times I STILL feel alone. I am 27 years old and this is just apart of who I am. I've learned to accept it. Somedays it may not seem it but overall I have. I just wish others would accept it. 

Normally when I am in one of my moods I just have no choice but to do 1 of 2 things.....Blast music. It takes me to another place, takes me away, out of my head, out of my thoughts. I just get lost. Or...I lay in bed unable to move...sometimes for hours, sometimes for days...and as a mom option 2 isn't always the answer.

As I sit here and type I literally have anxiety writing about my anxiety.

So this is my story....I would love to hear your thoughts. <3 minus the Grammer Police hahaha I know my Grammer and punctuation shizz sucks.